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+---
+title: "the river"
+published_date: "2026-10-11"
+updated_date: "2026-10-11"
+description: "four"
+collection: "Apologies to the Past"
+---
+
+_(i wonder why you left but at the same time i know)_\
+why am I like this? (that's a stupid question)\
+I didn't want to hurt you (too selfish not to)\
+too hard to not fuck up,\
+delicate heart in my hands, why did I touch it?\
+I mean,\
+you didn't have anyone else,\
+I didn't know what it meant—\
+and I wanted you to stay close.\
+now these demons will chase me around—\
+concentric circles in my mind—\
+I avoided you for so long,\
+and our mess has left a permanent stain on everything it touched.\
+I'm sorry—\
+I know you're softer than you let on,\
+(you can't fool me after all that)\
+and I thought I would bring ruin to the altar.\
+so now that I've brought ruin to the altar—\
+_(you're coming back, right?)_\
+will you forgive me?